(((withoutsound)))

This post is probably going to stir up a hornet’s nest, especially from my fellow monkeys, but after watching Matthew and Eleanor Friedberger shriek through a monotone set at Desdemona this past weekend, I have one thing to say: the Fiery Furnaces suck.

I admit, I have previously bought into the hype. Enough so that I have wasted a good $50 on their albums. Yet, to this day I struggle to listen to them all the way through.

I know, I know. The Fiery Furnaces are like Ayn Rand. I just haven’t tried hard enough. If I give them a chance, sooner or later I will get it. But after listening to them “play” a set at Sawyer Point this past weekend, the Fiery Furnaces make Ayn Rand look as accessible as a 2-bit whore.

This brother-sister duo must be chuckling to themselves during the happy gaps of their semi-daily Ziprasidone dosage. How did their disparate cacophony of sound ever get any airplay?

To paraphrase Dudley Moore’s mentor in Crazy People:

“This group won’t just scare you, they’ll fuck you up for life.” I want to know how the fuck this fucking group gets in the New York fucking Times!

I blame:

(1) The rise of “outsider” music. That is, for the most part, music made by people with some sort of mental illness.

Apologies to Daniel Johnston, Wesley Willis, and Kids of Widney High, because, in a weird way, I feel the need to hug you.

You need to write music. You have a joy that you need to let out. Over and over again. Sometimes like an explosive bowel movement.

Occasionally it works. Occasionally it doesn’t. I understand.

But your songs all sound the same and after two tracks I understand who you are:

A fucking crazy person.

(2) Pitchfuck. Again, I get it. You also need a hug.

You have an English Lit degree from Brown and need to somehow make your $80,000+ in school loans seem worth it and/or you need to prove your Liberal Arts degree from Northern Illinois is legit. They don’t just hand out BAs at NIU!

They shit them out.

As a Northwestern grad, I can empathize. They don’t call us the Brown U. of the Midwest for nothing.

So, while I may blame the both of you for this mess, I don’t condemn you. I just wish you’d show some restraint. And tell the Fiery Furnaces to shut the fuck up.

Here’s some BJ Snowden to help you further wallow, explore your self-loathing, totally reject your heritage, then go back on MySpace and declare Tiffany/front for porn website your BFF :

• Listen to: In Canada
• Listen to: Falling In and Out

Buy BJ Snowden’s Life in the USA from Amazon